I knew Herb Since I was Six Years Old

Herb Weiss died on Thursday October 29, two days before Halloween. At night.
His mama died on September 19, 2015 - pretty much one month before him.

I don't know.  I cried at first, and then I really began to think and think. 

Not always the best route to go, but our brains work on overdrive.

There's a numbness there, too. 

The back story of herb is that he did not get enough circulation, did not exercise or eat right.

In fact, ate self destructively to escape his fate of taking care of unstable mama. (And before that, taking care of his dad who was divorced from mom.)

When his mom died last month, I think he internalized the despair and it wound him down. 

he was already ailing since his blood clot in March, and his heart was severely weakened and beating less and less strong.

His will, I think, was waning. Even tho he was super excited about the Mets.

i think his body was just closing down.  (He had texted me mid week that he had collapsed answering the door)

I asked him to promise to call 911 if he was failing, but he didn't answer that and was stubborn.

Defensive.

I"ll miss him, because he was my first memorable friend in 1st grade, this wacky kid running around the classroom.

Somehow we struck up a friendship and used to go to movies, and sleepovers and threw ice balls at buses and other silly city stuff.   And in high school we went to different schools but shared our obsessions with whatever girls we pining for.

He was really into playing ball and sports, and I totally sucked but played sometimes.  

Unfortuntaely where we diverged is that he got into the white powder, and that damaged him.

He had some friends he would go on binges with, and that was, ultimately, coupled with the overeating - his wreckage.

He went on weekend binges frequently enough throughout his life that it had to catch up to him in body and mind.

When I visited him last October, his mother watched him stuff cold cuts into his face and she said, "He HAS to stop this! He is going to kill himself! He'll kill himself!"

Totally prophetic.

he started having bronchial cough in November, and December, and then in January going to doctor upon doctor trying to discover what was up, why his body swelled up like a balloon all over… And then went to ER in March to find the heart blot clot, the damaged heart, diabetes, blah.  Essentially he had become a disaster area. 

So in early Sept, his mother dies of cancer (without any prior pain or warning!!),

 and then in October he kinda loses his health, his will to live… and expires. 

He could never manage his diet sanely. 

(He visited here early october, remember. We saw the mets national league playoff game and he had to be wheelchaired around - a first for him!).  

 And during the visit he ate badly - burgers sandwiches sodas, boozes… I told him no this is not right. That it cannot be healthy to eat this way when one can barely walk.

but he didn't want to hear it. Insisting he knew what he was doing.

Essentially he was choosing his fate.

Its very sad, I will miss him. 

But he made lifestyle and life choices. 

The best I can do is put this in perspective.

I tried to be there and comfort him as a friend by phone and text.

But that wasn't enough. He went his course. 

I'll miss him. I have many memories. 

the worst part is, to be able to turn to a person and say ,"remember when we…?"

But they're not there. 

The Chances For Success Are Very Slim

Not that I'm one to talk, but for certain David hates to prepare in advance. For anything. Its interesting and strange.  And maddening. 

Despite knowing that there's a deadline coming up… and in fact more so… he prefers the sense that there is chaos up ahead. The unknown, i guess?

For me it feels very much like everything is out of control, to work along these lines. And to work with him, I feel out of control.  Perhaps even? I feel out of power.  Powerless.

 I'm tired and in the dark as a result.  And the chances for success are much decreased

 In my mind, his method of poor preparation is a psychological way of saying, "Well this situation will most likely reap disaster. You cannot possibly succeed via this method. So if anything positive comes of it? Terrific and amazing! You'll have beaten the odds!"

I really don't like to work this particular way. But I don't know where my other options lay at this point.

Arc of a Driver, Efforttfully

Yes I am riffing on Arc of a Diver (steve winwood).

In one of my friend Jim's more lucid moments, he pointed out with chagrin that drivers seemed to like to signal a right turn, and then arc their car way out leftward... as they make that right turn.  As if somehow simply making the right turn will crush and clip some invisible entity to their right while they turn.

Truly bizarre.

I have seen it. Jim didn't lie.  Somehow people feel safer spending extra time and effort arcing their vehicle outward, way to the left, as they make that right turn.

Or, as I like to say, they are mildly retarded drivers.

Showy Ladies

On a crowded subway car, I ruminate:

the whole theatrical showy lesbian couple thing.

Its a thing. Its right in my face on a crowded subway car, inexcapable.

Hugging and kissing on each other, embracing, intertwining -- dramatically intertwining fingers and tucking arms around waist to indicate affection, ownershiop, 

 somehow commanding attention and announcement.

Super drama and outsized exaggerated showy sharing.  They are like an improv skit performance.

The Girl I Met Waiting at the Registrar

Just remembering how I met this girl when I was in college, as we waited on like at the registrars office. Thought she was cute. 

And she got mad at me bc, when she told me all about her boyfriend, I started checking out other women.  She couldn't believe I went from 100 percent interest to zero with an immediately wandering eye.

  In retrospect I can't help wondering what she was thinking!! 

I wanted a girlfriend, not a therapy patient.

The Mouse A STORY

There's not much to this story. Its about this kid Steve and how he saw a mouse in  a movie theater. This event takes place in the 1980s.   

Steve didn't really see the mouse, he heard it. And so did everyone else in the theater. 

A small theater, screening the TV show ROOTS from the late 1970s. Remember its the late 80s by now, so its a nostalgic screening.

And with that, of course -- the theater was fairly empty. Screening of an old tv series after all, and it was all transpiring during the daytime on top of it all.  There were perhaps 20 people in the theater. 

During a quiet moment? Steve stealthily dropped a candy wrapper beneath his seat. 

While this did not cause any vermin to react, coincidentally there was another candy wrapper—further up in the theater seats, towards the front.  

The small audience began to hear a very distinct wrapper-dragging, "Shlufffff shluuuuuff shluff;" some mouse or perhaps even rat was dragging the wrapper up the aisle, along the floor. Laboriously.

"Mouse!" someone by the aisle shouted, and then stamped his foot hard. 

The mouse crinkled at the wrapper for a few more moments. And then disappeared. 

And Steve? Steve breathed a sigh of relief.  He wasn't able to completely relax after this event unfolded.  But he did have a Life Experience.

Thats it, thats pretty much the story. 

I did mention there was not much to it.

The Phone Call

really sucks but sometimes the phone rings and when I see who it is I sink emotionally. I see who it is, knowing they are a person that is going to Vampire me. They want something, they are going to lean heavy, trip me into their wires... I find these people.  I seek them. I call them unto me.  And then I resent them.

when my friend D calls, it inevitably turns into what I'm supposed to do for him. Somehow to help further his half assed plans. He's a cousin, a retarded cousin. I love him.  But I cannot take the burdens of his torrents of deep needs.

That is all my whining for now.  More to come. I PROMISE.

The World's Gone Maddd!! Madddd, I Tell You!!!

As I've mentioned
agian and again: there was a time I remember, that people would look for an
apartment or house to PURCHASE - and it was not about a dessperate bid to
"please the seller".  This is how the model is all backwards right now.
You have something to sell, people clamor for it and fall over each other.
>
Whereas in the past, it was a negotiation.  You were selling, and the
buyer would make honest assessments of what they could discount due to
water damage, or things that needed replacemnt, etc.   Now? No. Now, its a
take-it-or-someone-else-will scenario.
Yes it makes me cranky.
But it "is what it is".
For now.
>
Some of this will come crashing down in a few years, but for now its HIGH
TIMES for real estate!
Mostly for the seller.

"I Like People"

I was telling Danny how insane my friend Meters Whitewell is.  

 "Danny, I cannot blieve I became friends with this guy. And you, you're smart -- you don't have those kinda friends."

"Yes. I do have. I have many like that. And they're not like that -- they're WORSE. Way worse."

"Seriously?? But then, what do you do?"

"I shut them out when they go too far. And some of them really try. I let them know they can't pull that shit on me, and try to manipulate or take advantage."

"why then, WHY are you friends with them, Danny? Why!!"

Long Beat. Shrugs.

"...I like people."

The girls of the show GIRLS

I just blew through all the eps of GIRLS for this season so far.

Man its addictive! AND man they are ANNOYING.

jesus.

I just found out last week from monica that every one of them is the offspring of famous people.

Brian williams daughter, David Mamets, Lena has artist mom, the british chick is daughter of Bad Company drummer... so yeah.

That alison williams has an unbearable story arc right now.  Just really super nauseating.  I assume she knows that her character is annoying. 

And also, the fact that she in real life wants to be a singer... blahh!   

Its interesting that singers can become actors pretty easily - because they are naturally performing all the time.

But when an actor becomes a singer, its harder for me to really get into.

I guess because they haven't toiled their whole lives to become that.  SO it seems twee, and self indulgent.

Even if they really can sing. 

A Day with Isaac

THE DAY WITH ISAAC.

Isaac has had a lot of trouble in his life, and as mom used to say, "Its amazing you turned out sane, Isaac.  Its a miracle."

Not a very nice way to put it, but honest.

He was banged back and forth between crazy mom and demented dad.. both of whom are good people... and Isaac ended up falling in with various bad crowds that played on his insecurities.

At his core he's a soft and vulnerable jewish kid from Brooklyn.  

But he continually tries to project this weird, no-one-messes-with-me persona, that doesn't really work.

Somehow, tho, he continues to keep his mom maintained, pay the mortgage, and have some decent relationships.

I used to wonder, "why is he trying to boast at me, or impress me," and at this point I just don't care at all to be impressed or even that he might be trying.

Go ahead, try.  

(Mostly I'm impressed by something ridiculous and rare: humility.  I love to see humble people. In a world full of egos and braggarts.)

Spent the day at Beacon New York today, with my friend Amy.  We took the train early in the morning, and walked around, ate some food, looked at various streets and waterfront areas.

No visit to Dia Arts Center; another time for that.  

But lovely weather, and away from NYC. 

More Lenny Diner

This thing with Danny is so incredible, 

coming on the tail end of my dad scenario.  I'm still dealing with loose ends from dads original will being missing, with closing down his rental apartment, taking boxes of his possesions into my small apartment... bla bla bla.

And then?? -- the danny thing happens.

I feel really bad that we say, "well maybe some day..."  And really we don't know that the happy assumption is going to play out. 

Danny had invited me to LA several times, and every time I said, 'Yeah I wanna'. Now look.

When my dad died I really realized that every time we say, "well maybe another time"?  we do leave ourselves open to MAYBE NEVER.  And we have to be ok with that. 

Its hard to know precisely whats going on with danny, because margaret is keeping a bit of a seal on things, information-wise. 

I understand how every family and situation deals differently, but it is hard to not know exactly. 

Estelle, Dad's Neighbor. She's like 900 years old

I had a long conversation with dad's elder neighbor Estelle. 

I was on the phone with her for TWO HOURS!!! 

She's actually quite sharp, funny, interesting.  Had her own share of tribulations, and is going in for a pacemaker on Wednesday.

She didn't know dad was gone, and was calling to check in.  (We exchanged numbers when I gave her dad's stereo a year ago.)

We shared tears.

Alll is Lost - the movie

by the way

I meant to see this robert redford movie, 

ALL IS LOST

I jokingly called it Robert Redford Drowns on a Boat

without having seen it.

Finally seen it.

Its really really good, and super gripping throughout.

Possibly also because I have a fear of the deep deep ocean.

Watch This Funny Video

Seriously wacky shit but quite funny.

chelsea peretti, and andrea rosen of Episodes fame as well... and two others. 

they used to have a weekly show at Galapagos in wburg. 

Now two of them guest start on regular tv shows. So their shit paid off I guess.

this one is five minutes but its hammy and clever.

http://www.varietyshac.com/videos/3414.html

Obvious Child - the movie

I did see OBVIOUS CHILD.

I liked it a lot.

it was cute and charming, and she is quite funny and confessional in her comedy.

It was not a hilarious comedy, it was a sweet movie.

It had good themes about commitment and being satisfied or not with the self, and perseverence.... etc.

I can see why Jenny slate is a comedic force as a kinda snarky self-flaggelating but honest person.

She's of that wburg ilk, from the days of Chelsea Peretti (brooklyn 99) as well.  They were all here on the scene doing standup for years, prior to becoming the shiznit.

And they're all sorta mildly hostile, quirky, funny.

Sold Dad's Books For a Song - someone ELSES song

Finally sold off dads 1700 books - did i mention this?

I cannot even remember who i told.

Found a book estate buyer. He paid shit but he took everything.

on the spot.

nice kid - about my age, german, lives in LIC with wife and kids... has this business of reselling books and donating books, etc.

Basically he gives a shit price, sells what he can, donates the rest and gives the donation slips to the seller (me)... 

 and I will be able to claim 3 bux per book, for 1000 books. On my taxes. 

so thats a 3000 donation, which is ok.

also other book buyers had picked over them previously, so together we pulled in 700 bux for all of it. 

for 1700 books, not incredible.  But it was really about finding a home for them, more than anything.

He had a lifetime to sell, and he didn't do so.

So, this is the result.

"Papa Died, Ma Survived... Telling me About Her Ordeal"—Aerosmith

  Not sure there's any wisdom on my part about death of a parent. We all know it's gonna happen and we all accept that -- as a vague idea from a distance. 

The last thing we want to actually accept is that we might have that loss. 

 Your mom is continually a force in your life, so there won't be an easy way in any direction, however it all goes down. 

Appreciate each other now, don't feel guilty about fights or being peevish or snappy at each other.  We're all humans, and we are especially cruel to the ones we love.  Who can be patient all the time?! 

I Like Good Music

Watch the first 20 seconds of this video - I'm wondering how they did this.  Two women, cuban-french singers, submerged holding their breath under water.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lHRAPIwsS5I

3 Days, 2 nights? The movie

I just watched 3 days 2 nights - in french -without any subtitles.

have no idea what happened except that she ran around,a nd in the end it seemed like she left the job.

Apartment I Live In

I always said I'd think my apt wornderful now - IF - i lived around the corner on a side street.. 

 Something about the hoopla and silliness of bedford always slightly depressed me. Its a little too high key right on the avenue.

I loved cheever place, and the feeling of serenity and sanctuary.

Here I always feel a little bit invaded; I'm a much more private person than an "on the avenue" guy.  If that makes sense.  

But I have the golden handcuffs of a good rent deal, so thats fortunate.  Or maybe UNfortunate dunno.

The apt i saw on Sunday with my friend James Behr is smaller --  a room in the front, a ktichen, then a little foyer.   and a bedroom in back.

If you looked from above, imagine a tree diagram: 

You walk in up the trunk, the foyer. to your left one branch is a room. To your right small branch is the bathroom.  Further up a higher right branch is the kitche, which branches more to the right to the small front room.

Lenny Diner

the danny thing - I keep thinkng of weird things he said and did over time. And now large his sarcastic, thorny persona has been.

Even back at purchase, his presence created legendary ripples that people like Chris N could only hope to co-opt and take on as his own.

His ballsy, funny, brashness.  And another side, very mellow and kept very close to the vest. 

Its really true that each person becomes a part of you. Its weird like that. 

Every encounter you have, its folded into you!! 

Very cool, on the positive side.

Unfortunately "traumas" also become part of a person.  Physical/menta abuse, drug users, bad dentists, frightening teachers and authority figures, on and on.

So? There's good in it, and bad in it.

But lets remember already, the good funny stinging Danny-things.   Its good. 

(I was shaving and remembered a shaving race I had with Danny at purchase. 

And how he stopped along side me, watched me and made a grimace and eye-roll at how I was raking the razor down my face iwth lightning speed.  

Definitely aghast at my "speed method")

The movie BIG EYES from 2014

Big Eyes.

It was long and sluggish, with an almost dreamy soft quality to the tone.

They never really impressed how magnetic or domineering Christopher Walz Stalz was as a husbnad- he coerced her into painting under HIS name for ten years!

It was very queer.

And he was SO miscast - his accent was all over the place, and it was hard to "go into" the characters for that reason.

Adams was good as the wife but, had that kinda soft quality that she takes in many roles.

The art direction / production design was FANTASTIC.  I mean seriously, every frame had an orange lampshade with an aqua tabletop, overly perfect props and period detials and color... framed terrifically at times... 

But its NOT ENOUGH.

Tim Burton, after seeing that Sleepy Hollow movie, I was like yeah I'm done.

He did good with Scissorhands Batman and Beetlejuice.

But even if you go back, Beetlejuice is just weird and has its issues. 

Same with Scissor.

Ed Wood was pretty fun tho.

Hated Chocolate Factory remake!!! 

hated it! 

(wish I could draw musical notes by that)

Lewisburg PA

I got to see my sister's little town, where Bucknell College is. Lewisburg PA. 

And they had the annual Ice Fest. My sis says its really to bring commerce there, which it definitely did.

They had a chocolate tour, of the local candy businesess; a chili cookoff; raffles; free movies including that one with Olaf, the cartoon I cant remember the name; and a Polar Dip - where they cut away ice from the river and people jump in like in coney island.