Into the Void of Not Knowing What the Hell Is On A Persons Mind

 Its a really weird thing, when you think someone is mad at you because they completely dropped off from your shared stream of e-chats.  You send a message and they respond, or vice versa. And then, at a certain point, maybe you blabber some opinion about something.  And? They don't respond. And? They don't communicate at all! For a prolonged period. 

This is where some people would say, "hey whats UP??" to prompt the other person. Or, if you're like me, you might think..."Hmmm... I must've said TOO much. I must've been offensive. I must've..." 

In some ways this could be narcissistic. Or, possibly even needy. I don't know. But what I do know is, when the conversation dangles, and drops off? It can be weird. And it can make a person think, "what did i do??"

The Sucker Within Me

Yeah I'm a sucker. Thats the issue. Its not other people, its that I'm a sucker and fall into the trap of being a supplicant, or a subordinate. Of various people. I allow myself to ride along, and then I resent them for sidelining me. As I've explored this in therapy, I had to come to a horrible conclusion: I do it to myself. There's something in these relationships that I crave. Is it the search for Good Daddy? 

My dad loved me a lot but he was frequently doing more bombarding verbally, than he was "taking in his son."  I have this female friend who I am super familiar with, and yet, somehow sucked into her drama. As if she's the victim of everything. And burdened. This, possibly, could be a Familiar that comes from my mama. More and more and worse and worse, my aged mother is hyper focused on herself, her thoughts, her aggressive opinions needs concerns. Talking to her sometimes, I just get swept away completely. 

So, in some ways I think I have craved these kinds of relationships. With friends, with lovers (such as the lover part may have dissastisfyingly be)... etc.  Its almost like the more narcissistic someone is, the more I want to be close to their flame. Its not pretty. Its not very sane. But, it is the case. Ok, enough self analysis - in my next posts I'll bash people individually, as needed.