Bonkers but Not in Yonkers

Yep, in a sense I'm going insane.

Its 230am and I'm awake after sleeping for an hour. And awake at this time usually means thinking. Thinking about things that suck, such as the course of my life. My past, and my present. And the future's not looking terribly clear, or very good.

My circle of friends has dwindled, and seems to be heading towards snuffing out and away into death. I hold onto bitter, upset thoughts, and hang onto bad feelings towards friends for the things they said unkindly, or did unkindly.

I've lost patience with the dysfunctional, repetitive friends who repeat the same three tracks back to me that they've repeated back to me repeatedly the same way and the same patternly each and every time I see them or speak with them.

I've lost patience with the selfish, the inconsiderate, and the needy. Yet I see that this is all I've worked to surround myself with. Ultimately, i've done everything to myself, and molded my life with fear and trepidation. And now I am payig the price, and its slow and its lost and it is quite painful.

I find myself going back and back to high school.. to wondering how I let the intensity of my love and desire go, without at least exploring a dramatic ending. I know that I am not alone in this, that there are others who allow this to happen. But while it was dysfunctional, and a bit pathetic, I mostly lament that it was cowardly.

My lack of bravery in life, this has been my undoing.

The only thing I can hope for, desperately, is that there might be a new chapter. That there might be a new chapter.

Is this possible for me? "Reply hazy, ask again later."

I would be lying

I would be lying if I were to say everything's great and i'm thrilled at how I've handled my life. Yes I've held a job, paid my bills, and lived. BUt hvae I actually lived a life?

Now for sure, I cannot get back what I never got for myself.

I have no children, and my connections with people are opening a wider gap than ever.

People are moving away. People are married. Theyre having kids, even at 40 something. And me, I ahve nothing. I feel like an utter loser, and I want to hide from everyone, especially my family.

I feel unsettled in my profession, and certainly in my personal life. I have no girlfriend, and I am still super insecure and kinda lost.

At one time I was certain my creativity would carry me, off to somewhere.

But now, no. I'm not certain of anything. And I don't have enough money to kick back and bugger off.

So I'm trapped, in the life I made for myself. I must work to survive, and I'm too old to be promising.

I wish I could have the life that I had wanted for myself, with the girl that I had been so crazy abaout way back when. To this day I am still enamored, and just so appreciative that I ever got to meet her and be her friend within my lifetime.

I'm at least certain that that is the life partner I had always wanted... but there's no way to spin the earth backwards and get that. And I'm afraid I cannot let myself go, to live, to love, to fully realize the short remainder of my life.

Someone has to die as a forgotten, gauzy legend. I wonder if I'm destined to merely die in my sleep soon, like my cousin haskell, with my relatives remembering me as a foggy figure.

I elect me -- to be that person for this generation.

Wow its dramatic.

Whatever Happened To...

I remember those lyrics from the old song, remade by Aerosmith:
Whatever happend to
the girl that I once knew
the girl that said
she'd be true?
===

she never did say she would be true, or be mine. But I was crazy about her, back in the days of high school. And now I know what happened to her.

She ended up unmarried.

And now, literally today, she is 44 years old, and seems to have no interest whatsoever in that part of life. Marriage, family, being bonded to someone.

i cannot help but to look back and remember fodnly how wonderful I thought that she was. And now that I can see her photo electronically thru the various websites of connectivity, I turn the picture over and over in my mind.

I think of what kind of effect she had on me. And how I was never able to just come on out and dump out what I was feeling for her. I was so young, 16, and so fearful to lose her as a friend by doing so. I thought so highly of her and valued what I had as a friend.. And what a shame... about so much of it.
(in the movies the male protagonist breaks down, and the woman does too, and they fall weeping to one another. in my reality, I arrived late to our party and was such a mess I couldnt express my churning emotion).

I am stricken still, to this day, by her. And how calming i find her - now, then, and possibly forever. So truly kind, and beautiful.

I wish in a silly way that I could somehow go back into the past and remake my destiny.

I recognize, of course, how silly this is. The fantasy of so many people - to go back and relive! but still, it turns over in my mind.

I have a good friend who rambles on and on about his ex girlfriend. They had a terrible relationship, and all he did was complain bitterly about her. And how he just wanted to get away. But now, of course, she is the love of his life and wonderful and the only thing he ever wanted. I view his view as sorrowful, and crazy. Yes. Crazy.

But... what do i know, really? What people believe, is true. Whatever it is. As long as you believe something, it is defintiely true for you. Right?

And so i got to see the girl from high school recently. I finally did see her, recently, after 25 years of no contact whatsoever. And once again... i was stricken.

I can't say much about what she was feeling - most likely just nothing, a blank. Probably just a semi-interesting encounter with a semi-interesting figure from her long-dead past.

but I still and will always remember, how her very presence riveted me at the ages of 14, 15, 16, 17. How my very first sight of her shocked me, like no one ever before or since.

And when i saw her again, it happened all over again. She was older, she looked a bit older, and she sounded so hard in her brooklyn accent for a moment.. I didn't know what to think. but just like 25 years ago, I would listen to her. And find her incredibly interesting, and soothing.

I suppose what bothers me more and more now is the not-knowing. Would there ever have been a love,life connection between us, had I pushed for it? Why can't I shake this off?

It would've been better if we hadn't re-connected. Now, I am close to certain, I am a pesky fly that buzzes in her sphere of consciousness from time to time. I cannot get in, really. Yet i am drawn. Its pretty terrible and maddening.

I've tried to ask her out, to various events and dates and other stuff. But she's got a bag of excuses, without ever really offering any hint that she'd be open to rainchecks or alternate dates. Its either merely her 'way', or she doesn't want to be bothered by me. Or both.

Or neither. Some are the type that require tremendous prompting, in the classic sense of try try try until you win the prize. I have no insight, no shining spotlight to lead me.