Nine Eleven

Originally publish 9/14/17 

My little cousin asked me about 9/11 and if i remembered it and if its important to remember.

So I sez to her I sez...

I hate to be one of those people that says, “oh I remember when….”

But I do.

Living in Brooklyn at that time, I woke up late for work, and raced around to take a shower to get ready.

I heard a loud boom, thinking it was a giant canister being dropped. My apartment window was open, but I was still getting dressed and so on.

Then I heard ANOTHER loud boom, that sounded different—less like a giant steel canister dropping, and more like a long, loud grumble of thunder. Was it raining??

I HAD to look out the window.

What i saw was not only blue skies but, the most beautiful day ever! 

On top of that, it was primary day for mayor, so I had to race to the local school to vote.

Dressed and ready, i ran outside, and saw an incredible blue sky, almost GLINTING with sunlight! 

I found out later that it WAS glinting—the sun was reflecting off of tiny bits of white ash, in the sky.

There were cars lining the street by the school where voting was taking place, and these parked cars had their radios blaring out their windows. Parked, blaring the radio. Why!!

I didn’t bother to hear what they were saying—i assumed it was all about the election. And I thought it was a little obnoxious to have them blaring news radio like that.

But later found out it was all about The News of The Attack; I just hadn’t bothered to try to hear what those radios were blaring.

When i came out from voting, I looked up in the sky. And there were massive clouds of blackness. Large strips of smoke were pouring into the sky from manhattan, pouring over from a mile away. 

I stopped someone randomly—“What is that smoke?”

“The world trade center is on fire!! — Go down the street and you can see!!”

I shambled down the street and saw a view of the buildings across the river.

These were large, iconic buildings. Very spottable, from all over the city, and in fact even from any passenger plane window. 

The twin towers were symbolic and dramatic. 

And now?

The two towers were BOTH on fire! - just as those people had told me, minutes ago.

Flames were spilling out the sides and up towards the top. 

All I could think was, “How can they possibly put THAT out? That seems insane. Fire is coming out from all kinds of places, the buildings look torn open!”

There was six of us in that spot, viewing that fire across the water. A small cluster of people, commenting and ahhh-ing, like characters in an existential novel. Making comments, quips, and largely staring at the burning buildings in silence.

One guy sitting on some brownstone's steps behind us said, “It was planes. Terrorist planes.”

“What?!” I said.  “Planes?”

“Yes. Terrorist planes.”

I knew right then and there that that was wrong, completely impossible, and just so off-base and ridiculous, I nodded and didn't say anything in response. Why would that happen? Terrorist planes?  Come one. How would that even be possible?  Never happens — and I was sure that that man on the steps was completely paranoid, insane and just one of those weird... I dunno... conspiracists? In an age where that was not even in the public discourse; he was a conspiracist or tale-spinner of some kind!

I ran back home, to put on the tv news.

Not only did they CONFIRM that it was two terrorist planes, but they showed the planes hitting the buildings!—over and over and over. And they repeated that footage, for days.  They showed the buildings collapsing from the fire, and over the next 60 days we in New York watched the firefighters battle to extinguish the fire that continued to burn the wreckage, on the ground and under ground. It was terrible time, with a smell of smoke and demolition filling the air for months!

Its been really really hard, as a New Yorker, to have had to hear the repeated warnings of terror. To have to see the families cry every anniversary for the loss of their family members. Its very very sad to see but yes we will always remember, no matter what.  And yes, of course it is important.

But I also hope we stay equally compassionate and caring towards sufferings in other nations, as well as our local neighbors, in our local communities.  Personally, if I lost someone in the attack of 9/11, I would have been devastated. Emotionally destroyed. Probably for the rest of my life.  But I think its important to mourn and try to move forward.  I think over time we will always remember this day of loss, and day of history.

Its not a memory that I cherish, but it is one that will remain in me for life. 

This Ones Depressing

Lots of mixed up feelings lately. Reached an age where I wonder what my path has been, and what my relevence is.   Not so comfortable at work any more.   Want out, but not sure how, or to do what.

I have lost several important people, friends, etc.  Its a shrinking circle of support now, smaller and less to fall back on.  As you get older, the whimsical fun times are a little more "appointment based".  And its just a little less ... i guess lately less mirthful for me.  I guess thats a sign of some level of depression.

I am taking stock of what my life's been about, what I thought it would be, and compare myself to others, not good.   Hopefiully can dig out of this ...

Ass a Ten? Certainly assisnie

I dont' know what toe say except that its on mymind. I awoke middle of the night and all the worst throughts dfited throught me...altho there have been way way worse.

My mind settled at a certain point, on meanderings about my old pal Sean. What an ass. All I can say is, its devolved now to the point of, when I think of him, I only see the selfish and assisnie qualities.  Any time he posts replies to people, on facebook, his responses are literaly, assinine.  He's an ass.

And I have a well of shitty memories, wherein he was a bully, an ass, a clown, a selfish jerk, controlling, angry, centered completely upon himself.... Its really weird and interesting.

Whats interesting is, I also see his better qualities. BUt I have this well, a terrible well, of rage at the thought of those shitty thinkgs he did. I literally want to beat him up, when I think of those memories!!! Its very upsetting.

The constant, shitty slights that he enacted upon me.  Not with any intent to do harm, but because hs's an ass, full of himself, and a master of manipultion.

Someone who spent hours manufacturing parking passes, and other stuff, so that he could park anywhere.  Created fake IDs so he didn't have to pay for stuff.  Always gaming the system tto get stuff for free.  This, from a guy who was handed an apartment to live in by his parents, and was bailed out when he went into debt, and gre up with everything as the son of a dentist or opthalmologist.... really weird shit.   Like h could not get enough, no matter what. He had to sneak and game more and more systmes. and is still to this day doing the very same thing.

Lives in his paretns' apartment, full of junk that he has collected. He's like some werdo stoner who needs to have more and more and more.   Very werid kid.

Jen Gamore

I remember speaking to Steve, who I hadn't spoken to in a while.  One of those catchup conversations, back in the old century when people would call each other via telephone.

"Hey, and how's your friend Jen Gamore doing?"

"Oh my god, I didn't tell you? I'm so sorry, Kev, I should've told you.  Jen is dead. Mark B and I went to a memorial for her a month ago!"

Whhhhaaaaaattt.

Turns out she died at the age of 39, drug related. Failed kidneys aggravated by drug use.

She was a spunky, spirited girl.  Sometimes a little too spirited -- complainy, ranty, quick to sass people... and had ongoing drug issues.  Ongoing.  Battles with coke, heroi, whtaever.  It broke up her marriage.

Apparently after divorce she met someone in rehab, and all was well for both of them. Until both of them fell of the wagon, hard, together.   Which broke them up.

She lost whatever job she had, turned her back on her large, well-heeled family, and went on benders.  Homeless. And eventually called for help somehow and was hospitalized.  But it was too late.  

She lingered in the hospital for a bit, several weeks, but her body was shutting down.  And that was that.

Election Election 2016

Yeah politics. I do read the times, online. Its a subscription that I find very worthwhile. And addictive in a not so great way.  I remember this, years years ago, when I was unemployed: i would read the printed newspaper cover to cover, and listen to news radio, as if I needed to track the changes in the world. It was kinda demented, to be quite frank. 

Obama, yeah. I have always felt, no matter how effective or ineffective he was… that he has had the interests of The People in mind. 

He was not all pro business, but he supported business. He tried to lambast big money, while also not destroying the markets. Its a tricky balance.

He could never wave a wand to dispel racism, but he did push for some incremental change. Its really how our system works, but we do have some serious race issues… to be continued with the next prez, etc. 

   

Anyways I could go on, and I know its a bore. But whoever ends up prez, I really hope they further progress in a lot of areas. I don’t believe our country is on the down slope, i think so much is possible in the best way! We should always be the leaders and innovators, since we are the smelting pot of the world… and we need to actually BE the better, rather than all the rah rah b.s. of rhetoric.   We are just too high on ourselves as America, and need to show via our actions what we can do. and not just militarily!

yes, i guess it sounds crazy.

I knew Herb Since I was Six Years Old

Herb Weiss died on Thursday October 29, two days before Halloween. At night.
His mama died on September 19, 2015 - pretty much one month before him.

I don't know.  I cried at first, and then I really began to think and think. 

Not always the best route to go, but our brains work on overdrive.

There's a numbness there, too. 

The back story of herb is that he did not get enough circulation, did not exercise or eat right.

In fact, ate self destructively to escape his fate of taking care of unstable mama. (And before that, taking care of his dad who was divorced from mom.)

When his mom died last month, I think he internalized the despair and it wound him down. 

he was already ailing since his blood clot in March, and his heart was severely weakened and beating less and less strong.

His will, I think, was waning. Even tho he was super excited about the Mets.

i think his body was just closing down.  (He had texted me mid week that he had collapsed answering the door)

I asked him to promise to call 911 if he was failing, but he didn't answer that and was stubborn.

Defensive.

I"ll miss him, because he was my first memorable friend in 1st grade, this wacky kid running around the classroom.

Somehow we struck up a friendship and used to go to movies, and sleepovers and threw ice balls at buses and other silly city stuff.   And in high school we went to different schools but shared our obsessions with whatever girls we pining for.

He was really into playing ball and sports, and I totally sucked but played sometimes.  

Unfortuntaely where we diverged is that he got into the white powder, and that damaged him.

He had some friends he would go on binges with, and that was, ultimately, coupled with the overeating - his wreckage.

He went on weekend binges frequently enough throughout his life that it had to catch up to him in body and mind.

When I visited him last October, his mother watched him stuff cold cuts into his face and she said, "He HAS to stop this! He is going to kill himself! He'll kill himself!"

Totally prophetic.

he started having bronchial cough in November, and December, and then in January going to doctor upon doctor trying to discover what was up, why his body swelled up like a balloon all over… And then went to ER in March to find the heart blot clot, the damaged heart, diabetes, blah.  Essentially he had become a disaster area. 

So in early Sept, his mother dies of cancer (without any prior pain or warning!!),

 and then in October he kinda loses his health, his will to live… and expires. 

He could never manage his diet sanely. 

(He visited here early october, remember. We saw the mets national league playoff game and he had to be wheelchaired around - a first for him!).  

 And during the visit he ate badly - burgers sandwiches sodas, boozes… I told him no this is not right. That it cannot be healthy to eat this way when one can barely walk.

but he didn't want to hear it. Insisting he knew what he was doing.

Essentially he was choosing his fate.

Its very sad, I will miss him. 

But he made lifestyle and life choices. 

The best I can do is put this in perspective.

I tried to be there and comfort him as a friend by phone and text.

But that wasn't enough. He went his course. 

I'll miss him. I have many memories. 

the worst part is, to be able to turn to a person and say ,"remember when we…?"

But they're not there. 

The Chances For Success Are Very Slim

Not that I'm one to talk, but for certain David hates to prepare in advance. For anything. Its interesting and strange.  And maddening. 

Despite knowing that there's a deadline coming up… and in fact more so… he prefers the sense that there is chaos up ahead. The unknown, i guess?

For me it feels very much like everything is out of control, to work along these lines. And to work with him, I feel out of control.  Perhaps even? I feel out of power.  Powerless.

 I'm tired and in the dark as a result.  And the chances for success are much decreased

 In my mind, his method of poor preparation is a psychological way of saying, "Well this situation will most likely reap disaster. You cannot possibly succeed via this method. So if anything positive comes of it? Terrific and amazing! You'll have beaten the odds!"

I really don't like to work this particular way. But I don't know where my other options lay at this point.