Yep, in a sense I'm going insane.
Its 230am and I'm awake after sleeping for an hour. And awake at this time usually means thinking. Thinking about things that suck, such as the course of my life. My past, and my present. And the future's not looking terribly clear, or very good.
My circle of friends has dwindled, and seems to be heading towards snuffing out and away into death. I hold onto bitter, upset thoughts, and hang onto bad feelings towards friends for the things they said unkindly, or did unkindly.
I've lost patience with the dysfunctional, repetitive friends who repeat the same three tracks back to me that they've repeated back to me repeatedly the same way and the same patternly each and every time I see them or speak with them.
I've lost patience with the selfish, the inconsiderate, and the needy. Yet I see that this is all I've worked to surround myself with. Ultimately, i've done everything to myself, and molded my life with fear and trepidation. And now I am payig the price, and its slow and its lost and it is quite painful.
I find myself going back and back to high school.. to wondering how I let the intensity of my love and desire go, without at least exploring a dramatic ending. I know that I am not alone in this, that there are others who allow this to happen. But while it was dysfunctional, and a bit pathetic, I mostly lament that it was cowardly.
My lack of bravery in life, this has been my undoing.
The only thing I can hope for, desperately, is that there might be a new chapter. That there might be a new chapter.
Is this possible for me? "Reply hazy, ask again later."
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