I would be lying

I would be lying if I were to say everything's great and i'm thrilled at how I've handled my life. Yes I've held a job, paid my bills, and lived. BUt hvae I actually lived a life?

Now for sure, I cannot get back what I never got for myself.

I have no children, and my connections with people are opening a wider gap than ever.

People are moving away. People are married. Theyre having kids, even at 40 something. And me, I ahve nothing. I feel like an utter loser, and I want to hide from everyone, especially my family.

I feel unsettled in my profession, and certainly in my personal life. I have no girlfriend, and I am still super insecure and kinda lost.

At one time I was certain my creativity would carry me, off to somewhere.

But now, no. I'm not certain of anything. And I don't have enough money to kick back and bugger off.

So I'm trapped, in the life I made for myself. I must work to survive, and I'm too old to be promising.

I wish I could have the life that I had wanted for myself, with the girl that I had been so crazy abaout way back when. To this day I am still enamored, and just so appreciative that I ever got to meet her and be her friend within my lifetime.

I'm at least certain that that is the life partner I had always wanted... but there's no way to spin the earth backwards and get that. And I'm afraid I cannot let myself go, to live, to love, to fully realize the short remainder of my life.

Someone has to die as a forgotten, gauzy legend. I wonder if I'm destined to merely die in my sleep soon, like my cousin haskell, with my relatives remembering me as a foggy figure.

I elect me -- to be that person for this generation.

Wow its dramatic.