why did the dark

Why did that deep dark darkness hit me so hard. And for so long. And will it come back?

In some manner I have concerns that perhaps I am a manic depressive, or simply just depressive. That the darkness that I felt only one week ago now might descend back down upon me. Because now after so long and so many years... I feel better.

Suddenly after feeling so down and hopeless, my depression has lifted, and my views and thoughts have turned.

I feel better. How is this possible?

Is it really true that, after walking down the city street exactly one week ago, my viewpoint simply changed? And that I am going to feel better now? That in a snap my fingers I'm grateful for my friends, my family, and all that I have, and all I might have in the future? All this, in a snap of the fingers, like a diamond bullet.

Here is what happened, simply:

I was walking down the street last tuesday night, with my father. I looked at several attractive women, and was jolted by the sight of them. And as I looked, I realized that they were jolted by me as well. I was interested in seeing them, and they were intersted in seeing me as well, as I walked down the street.

Previously I had looked at them, and thought that it was impossible for them to be drawn by me as intensely as I was to them.

But either way, I am drawn to them. I like them. I like looking at them, seeing them, knowing them. Even if I never ever were to have another relationship, I am happy to have engagement with them.

Now I look around and see that I am not worthless, even if I am my own worst enemy. And that often, with women, they will find me attractive as I find them attractive.

I am hoping to go further and set forth with increasing confidence, and not bog myself down with defeatism, and depression. Now, I actually do believe that this is possible, whereas two weeks ago I didn't.

I have some concern that this will be fleeting, and I will change my mind back to my original, lost position. But I am hoping that I won't.

And for now, I am enjoying the possibility that if I go forward in the world and engage, I can make a destiny for myself.

Underneath I am deeply fearful of a lot.