Ass a Ten? Certainly assisnie

I dont' know what toe say except that its on mymind. I awoke middle of the night and all the worst throughts dfited throught me...altho there have been way way worse.

My mind settled at a certain point, on meanderings about my old pal Sean. What an ass. All I can say is, its devolved now to the point of, when I think of him, I only see the selfish and assisnie qualities.  Any time he posts replies to people, on facebook, his responses are literaly, assinine.  He's an ass.

And I have a well of shitty memories, wherein he was a bully, an ass, a clown, a selfish jerk, controlling, angry, centered completely upon himself.... Its really weird and interesting.

Whats interesting is, I also see his better qualities. BUt I have this well, a terrible well, of rage at the thought of those shitty thinkgs he did. I literally want to beat him up, when I think of those memories!!! Its very upsetting.

The constant, shitty slights that he enacted upon me.  Not with any intent to do harm, but because hs's an ass, full of himself, and a master of manipultion.

Someone who spent hours manufacturing parking passes, and other stuff, so that he could park anywhere.  Created fake IDs so he didn't have to pay for stuff.  Always gaming the system tto get stuff for free.  This, from a guy who was handed an apartment to live in by his parents, and was bailed out when he went into debt, and gre up with everything as the son of a dentist or opthalmologist.... really weird shit.   Like h could not get enough, no matter what. He had to sneak and game more and more systmes. and is still to this day doing the very same thing.

Lives in his paretns' apartment, full of junk that he has collected. He's like some werdo stoner who needs to have more and more and more.   Very werid kid.

Jen Gamore

I remember speaking to Steve, who I hadn't spoken to in a while.  One of those catchup conversations, back in the old century when people would call each other via telephone.

"Hey, and how's your friend Jen Gamore doing?"

"Oh my god, I didn't tell you? I'm so sorry, Kev, I should've told you.  Jen is dead. Mark B and I went to a memorial for her a month ago!"

Whhhhaaaaaattt.

Turns out she died at the age of 39, drug related. Failed kidneys aggravated by drug use.

She was a spunky, spirited girl.  Sometimes a little too spirited -- complainy, ranty, quick to sass people... and had ongoing drug issues.  Ongoing.  Battles with coke, heroi, whtaever.  It broke up her marriage.

Apparently after divorce she met someone in rehab, and all was well for both of them. Until both of them fell of the wagon, hard, together.   Which broke them up.

She lost whatever job she had, turned her back on her large, well-heeled family, and went on benders.  Homeless. And eventually called for help somehow and was hospitalized.  But it was too late.  

She lingered in the hospital for a bit, several weeks, but her body was shutting down.  And that was that.

Election Election 2016

Yeah politics. I do read the times, online. Its a subscription that I find very worthwhile. And addictive in a not so great way.  I remember this, years years ago, when I was unemployed: i would read the printed newspaper cover to cover, and listen to news radio, as if I needed to track the changes in the world. It was kinda demented, to be quite frank. 

Obama, yeah. I have always felt, no matter how effective or ineffective he was… that he has had the interests of The People in mind. 

He was not all pro business, but he supported business. He tried to lambast big money, while also not destroying the markets. Its a tricky balance.

He could never wave a wand to dispel racism, but he did push for some incremental change. Its really how our system works, but we do have some serious race issues… to be continued with the next prez, etc. 

   

Anyways I could go on, and I know its a bore. But whoever ends up prez, I really hope they further progress in a lot of areas. I don’t believe our country is on the down slope, i think so much is possible in the best way! We should always be the leaders and innovators, since we are the smelting pot of the world… and we need to actually BE the better, rather than all the rah rah b.s. of rhetoric.   We are just too high on ourselves as America, and need to show via our actions what we can do. and not just militarily!

yes, i guess it sounds crazy.

I knew Herb Since I was Six Years Old

Herb Weiss died on Thursday October 29, two days before Halloween. At night.
His mama died on September 19, 2015 - pretty much one month before him.

I don't know.  I cried at first, and then I really began to think and think. 

Not always the best route to go, but our brains work on overdrive.

There's a numbness there, too. 

The back story of herb is that he did not get enough circulation, did not exercise or eat right.

In fact, ate self destructively to escape his fate of taking care of unstable mama. (And before that, taking care of his dad who was divorced from mom.)

When his mom died last month, I think he internalized the despair and it wound him down. 

he was already ailing since his blood clot in March, and his heart was severely weakened and beating less and less strong.

His will, I think, was waning. Even tho he was super excited about the Mets.

i think his body was just closing down.  (He had texted me mid week that he had collapsed answering the door)

I asked him to promise to call 911 if he was failing, but he didn't answer that and was stubborn.

Defensive.

I"ll miss him, because he was my first memorable friend in 1st grade, this wacky kid running around the classroom.

Somehow we struck up a friendship and used to go to movies, and sleepovers and threw ice balls at buses and other silly city stuff.   And in high school we went to different schools but shared our obsessions with whatever girls we pining for.

He was really into playing ball and sports, and I totally sucked but played sometimes.  

Unfortuntaely where we diverged is that he got into the white powder, and that damaged him.

He had some friends he would go on binges with, and that was, ultimately, coupled with the overeating - his wreckage.

He went on weekend binges frequently enough throughout his life that it had to catch up to him in body and mind.

When I visited him last October, his mother watched him stuff cold cuts into his face and she said, "He HAS to stop this! He is going to kill himself! He'll kill himself!"

Totally prophetic.

he started having bronchial cough in November, and December, and then in January going to doctor upon doctor trying to discover what was up, why his body swelled up like a balloon all over… And then went to ER in March to find the heart blot clot, the damaged heart, diabetes, blah.  Essentially he had become a disaster area. 

So in early Sept, his mother dies of cancer (without any prior pain or warning!!),

 and then in October he kinda loses his health, his will to live… and expires. 

He could never manage his diet sanely. 

(He visited here early october, remember. We saw the mets national league playoff game and he had to be wheelchaired around - a first for him!).  

 And during the visit he ate badly - burgers sandwiches sodas, boozes… I told him no this is not right. That it cannot be healthy to eat this way when one can barely walk.

but he didn't want to hear it. Insisting he knew what he was doing.

Essentially he was choosing his fate.

Its very sad, I will miss him. 

But he made lifestyle and life choices. 

The best I can do is put this in perspective.

I tried to be there and comfort him as a friend by phone and text.

But that wasn't enough. He went his course. 

I'll miss him. I have many memories. 

the worst part is, to be able to turn to a person and say ,"remember when we…?"

But they're not there. 

The Chances For Success Are Very Slim

Not that I'm one to talk, but for certain David hates to prepare in advance. For anything. Its interesting and strange.  And maddening. 

Despite knowing that there's a deadline coming up… and in fact more so… he prefers the sense that there is chaos up ahead. The unknown, i guess?

For me it feels very much like everything is out of control, to work along these lines. And to work with him, I feel out of control.  Perhaps even? I feel out of power.  Powerless.

 I'm tired and in the dark as a result.  And the chances for success are much decreased

 In my mind, his method of poor preparation is a psychological way of saying, "Well this situation will most likely reap disaster. You cannot possibly succeed via this method. So if anything positive comes of it? Terrific and amazing! You'll have beaten the odds!"

I really don't like to work this particular way. But I don't know where my other options lay at this point.

Arc of a Driver, Efforttfully

Yes I am riffing on Arc of a Diver (steve winwood).

In one of my friend Jim's more lucid moments, he pointed out with chagrin that drivers seemed to like to signal a right turn, and then arc their car way out leftward... as they make that right turn.  As if somehow simply making the right turn will crush and clip some invisible entity to their right while they turn.

Truly bizarre.

I have seen it. Jim didn't lie.  Somehow people feel safer spending extra time and effort arcing their vehicle outward, way to the left, as they make that right turn.

Or, as I like to say, they are mildly retarded drivers.

Showy Ladies

On a crowded subway car, I ruminate:

the whole theatrical showy lesbian couple thing.

Its a thing. Its right in my face on a crowded subway car, inexcapable.

Hugging and kissing on each other, embracing, intertwining -- dramatically intertwining fingers and tucking arms around waist to indicate affection, ownershiop, 

 somehow commanding attention and announcement.

Super drama and outsized exaggerated showy sharing.  They are like an improv skit performance.