And Now God Answers

What a strange but usual development. My relationship falls apart well timed with connecting again with a woman from my past.

And then that woman cuts out from my life, likely due to Jen emailing her and making sure to wreak havoc on the other end.

Successfully played, Jen.

And so God has made sure to make it not easy. In fact, I'm left.. uneasy. A sort of spring, not quite a well, of angst and upset towards Jen constantly flows now.

Hell hath no fury, the expression goes.

I could regurgitate all the crazy details of whats been going on recently, but in the end it all points to my original observation: there is a god. God exists. And God will make sure that it doesn't come easy.

I Ask God

I ask god to help me to see the answers to the questions that I have. I ask god to help guide my way, to show me, to give me the sign.

I have so many questions, and so much indecision. I have a lot of pain in my psyche, and seem to sink into depression for what I don't have and seem to be unable to achieve.

I ask god. Show me.

Everything I thought I knew is Wrong

Alright thats a pretty dramatic title, but frankly I see that I wasted a long time in contacting Carolyn. While I have no idea whatever is going to become of it, it really brings up questions about wasted time and destiny and fate.

The drama part in my mind was always convinced -- especially recently -- that I took a wrong turn, and that I was supposed to marry Carolyn.

And yet for years I was thinking that I was too lame and pathetic for such a thing to happen. And yet another part of me said no, it was true, I had seen my destiny and turned myself away from it. To hurt myself in some way, or who knows what.

And then I wonder how many other people go through this same thing; they see their destiny, and its pretty good. But they turn and run from it.

I'm not saying that I know for sure that its pretty good; thats far fetched. but it was one possible destiny that I turned away from.

All of this could be meaningless, and it could be a test of some other sort for Jen and me. And so , this is interesting. This could be just a way to put a cap on the past, i don't kmow.

Life, finally, has proven to be so so strange. Suddenly life has taken a different turn.

I may be dead, soon enough. But i'll hvae explored something, at least, on this world.

Carolyn A____

Well Carolyn, I hope you're not the type to do Google-Alerts using your name as the keyword, because then this will come up and you'll be all freaked out.

Because I've just recently made contact with you and discovered that you're not married after all these years, and its brought up our high school past wherein I was insanely madly in love with you.

I actually feel a bit off my rocker, because I simply assumed my past was just gone, period. And now I have been emailing you and you and various things from my past come flooding back. And its completely strange.

But, I guess, human.

I wonder if, in high school, you even had any idea. And I do wonder what you appear like now.

See What Happens When YOu drop out?

Sadly I've just gotten back to this and see that many of my posts have been wiped out. I guess from inactivity they decided it was time to delete my past.

One thing I remember is getting on a bus in Staten Island and upon first sight of the bus driver, falling in love with her. Literally love at first sight. I became a bag of nerves to this hard core female bus driver. She was so cute!!

Alright it wasn't love, but it was some kinda feeling. It was... nice.

i'm so silly.

IFP Market

I wondered to myself after our IFP event whether i should buy those two bottles of wine and stuff them in my backpack. And then I went off to the free-sushi party and was bogged, bogged down. With the wine, the giant metal tripod, the heavy backpack... what was I thinking.

Met various familiar characters, like Jesse Epstein, Ingrid, another cute British girl... various other filmmakers. Had nonstop sushi, and then when I thought i could escape, I let myself be roped into going from 4th street to Libation on Ludlow to ANOTEHr party. This one was the kickoff for the Woodstock Film Fest in October.

Met more various people, somewhat interesting.

Finally home now, and exhausted. whew.

And smoking a cig now.

The event went fairly smoothly, and maybe there's some grant monies in there for us. Somewhere.

I wonder. I never really could think out of the box to make that happen.

The sound wasn't great at our event, it was a mixed bag as always. The actors weren't amazing, but people seemed interested over all.

Where will our next raw word be, now that Galap is not responding, and is moving away.
Where... and more scripts to read.

I'm tired now...

Wackier and Wackier

Is there something wacky that I can say? I don't know.

I do know that I'm getting older, and i don't know which way to turn. I'm sure this affects many of us, many people, many folks, prior to dropping off the face of the earth.

Part of me thinks that I should be married with kids, in another life, a life that I somehow bungled.

But more likely, I was too scared to live.

I look back now, i awake with a start, and its not good. Its all the regrets of what I should've or couuld've done, swirling around my head. Its all about what I cannot do now, as opposed to what is possible.

I love that people tell the story of the lady who, after raising a family and grandchildren, fiinally got her law degree at 60-something and was a practizing law by age 70. That sounds a lot like Ann Landers Myth -- tho I hate to be a cynic. In fact, i do blieve it possible.

meanwhile, here i sit, hot, steamy, in my apartment, having just gotten back froma long walk (along a long pier -- the west side) with my friend Julianna. She's freaking out cuz SHE is 41, wants the kids, the man, etc. She's good looking, determined, self-reliant... she's A Force.

I think guys are somwhat scared of her. Even with her great looks. They're scared.