The Negative

My other thought is that there is a lot of negativity, coming from other people, that I must avoid.

It might mean cutting off from these people, I don't know. But its hard to not be poisoned in some ways by people who are dark and deeply disturbed by their own neuroses in life.

Let the problems of others be their own problem. But I would like to surround myself with happier, lighter people who are not going to destroy by psyche.

This is what I would prefer to have -- people around me who engage in the world and are happy. Or happier.

why did the dark

Why did that deep dark darkness hit me so hard. And for so long. And will it come back?

In some manner I have concerns that perhaps I am a manic depressive, or simply just depressive. That the darkness that I felt only one week ago now might descend back down upon me. Because now after so long and so many years... I feel better.

Suddenly after feeling so down and hopeless, my depression has lifted, and my views and thoughts have turned.

I feel better. How is this possible?

Is it really true that, after walking down the city street exactly one week ago, my viewpoint simply changed? And that I am going to feel better now? That in a snap my fingers I'm grateful for my friends, my family, and all that I have, and all I might have in the future? All this, in a snap of the fingers, like a diamond bullet.

Here is what happened, simply:

I was walking down the street last tuesday night, with my father. I looked at several attractive women, and was jolted by the sight of them. And as I looked, I realized that they were jolted by me as well. I was interested in seeing them, and they were intersted in seeing me as well, as I walked down the street.

Previously I had looked at them, and thought that it was impossible for them to be drawn by me as intensely as I was to them.

But either way, I am drawn to them. I like them. I like looking at them, seeing them, knowing them. Even if I never ever were to have another relationship, I am happy to have engagement with them.

Now I look around and see that I am not worthless, even if I am my own worst enemy. And that often, with women, they will find me attractive as I find them attractive.

I am hoping to go further and set forth with increasing confidence, and not bog myself down with defeatism, and depression. Now, I actually do believe that this is possible, whereas two weeks ago I didn't.

I have some concern that this will be fleeting, and I will change my mind back to my original, lost position. But I am hoping that I won't.

And for now, I am enjoying the possibility that if I go forward in the world and engage, I can make a destiny for myself.

Underneath I am deeply fearful of a lot.