The Flail of Emotions

There's so much drama there.  For her, for me. We're not at all connected on a romantic level, so some of it is even more vexing. I can't always tell which person I'm going to get when I deal with her. A large part of it can be traced and connected to the pot smoking. There's a lot of that.

And there's a deep reflection, self-absorption.

I also wanted to let you know that back when her mother and then father in quick succession died... I spent a long long time on the phone sympathizing, listening, being a good friend. I am not at all sure and in fact am sure, that were the shoe on the other foot... her position would be, I'm so sorry. Now lets move on. 

Actually thats not really fair, but thats how it kind of feels. Like, "ok you have your shit together, I need to have us focus on ME."  And of course, I fall right into such traps.  Thats MY issue—to be drawn to these types. Well, so thats how it is. 

Get There Whenever

I don't know what it is, for some reason hippie Jay has to make it a point to arrive late to everything. She even tells me she's going to be there at 7, but to expect her there at 710.  What is that all about? 

Well I will TELL you what its all about - its self absorption.  If you have to be somewhere, to meet someone(s)... be there at the appointed time.  She has a month of Sundays - in fact, a YEAR of sundays, since she hasn't worked an actual job since the 1990s.  So.. what is it that is keeping such a person back from being ON TIME??? Weird shit, far as I'm concerned. 

Oh the quirks of the human being. I'm petty for cranking on about. But certain things hit the bell- Ding! Red flag red flag... 

There's such a thing as "acceptance". I'm just never very good at it. 

What About My Facebook Posts??

What About My Facebook Posts??

 For some reason, two different friends of mine have been all up in arms, about the fact that were not getting "likes" on social media.  They posted images, they posted videos, only to find that they were getting 2 or 3 "likes".  As opposed to, 457 Likes.  Or even 85 Likes. No, they were getting a feeble anemic response, and frankly?—thats well earned.

I just have to ask them, "do YOU surf around the internet and LIKE posts from people? And what are you actually DOING that might bring others into the fold of your amazing offerings?"   Somehow these friends think they can post things, and suddenly the Worldwide Internet of Facebook will race to their page, and support their creative offerings! 

Naturally, both of these friends have a tiny tiny HUMAN circle of friends, and they are not interested in reciprocating for others what they expect FROM others.  Its so appalling, that I had to write, to vent it out.  Is anyone READING this?? Please "like"! - hahahaha

 MC and JD and the two dollars 

I stood there watching as two friends argued about whether one of them paid back the other. Two dollars. 

 Whitney's emotions are off the rails

I don't think i've ever known someone who has such a hard time dealing with their own emotions.  I mean on a level that I'm stunned. Because I feel them snapping back and forth, abruply. And it can be quite a scary thing.

 Everything Negative and Only Negative

Yeah so this lady i worked with, very vivid in her complaints and conversations.  I'll call her BPE.  She loves to be upset, and outraged, but when you point out The Positive, she skirts right around it. She's getting let go from her job, yet she has secret freelance work and will be on a severence salary for 6 months. So really she'll be making much more than she was making - a salary, and the outside work. And, they offered her a fulltime job already, at the place that its giving her frelance work. But she doesn't want THAT, no no.  I'm in the same boat, having lost my job from the same institution. 

So I am attracted to the Complaints, like a moth to a flame. And, in fact, am more fascinated, because she is a fountain of woe, a fountain of complaint and upset.  This seems to be a pretty strong attraction on my part, throughout my life. Positive and upbeat? Not as interesting.  Complaint and negativity?—I'll be right there. I hate it, and yet I love it. As Andrea always says, if its not one things, its your mother.  I learnt well from my own parent, a Comfort Zone.

When I try to pin down the details about oh you have WORK now, suddenly!-she doesn't want to talk aobut THAT. She wants to talk about how everyone screwed her over, they have no heart, she lost her job, no on else in her dept got cut...  negative negative, victim victim.  Her boss actually did call her6on her very final working day (of the long slow 60-day wind-down), to wish her well and say an official goodbye. Dotty is the name of her direct boss.  But BPE would only focus on what a horrible person Dotty was, prior to this goodbye.  

Obviously this inability to see Some Positive points to an unhinged quality, emotionally deranged and feeding on the most outraged and upset part of her core.  Even while, she's doing fine and so on.  But since i myself am drawn to that, am I any better? Clearly I enjoyed and was faascinated by this disturbed outraged passionate person.  Its kind of interesting.  What do I get, from this? Something, obviously! I can't say its just her, thriving on the negative. I have to certainly be enjohing the ride!! 

And I'll feel cheated once she gets herself all set up, and starts to scold me- for not brushing myself off and walking off my own situation!  

See how things will turn? She'll be UP, and I'll end up DOWN.  I can already see the writing on the wall: that I listened and listened, with fascination, but in reality it was all a ruse. She was just venting nonstop as a nonstop victim. But in reality, she was fine. and will be fine.  And I'll be sinking slowly into my own depression.

Ah well.  So be it. 

 If I Had A Dollar...

If I had a dollar for every time D wanted a favor, something made on the computer for him, money, a videotaped session, to listen to his endless streams of nothingness that are all about his own fascination with self... I'd have a LOT of money!!  I know what's what, and yet somehow I'm riveted and feel like I need to comply.  While my Inner Voice says... NO!