The Death of Stephanie

 The Death of Stephanie

I'm not sure why it came up again but, something brought to mind again the death of Stephanie Berry. We weren't really close friends, after we left IS293 in 1980. We weren't ever really great friends, either. But she was nice. And she was very sweet and cute. Her French mother was friendly with my own mother, a french teacher. (thats as far as the connection went; they were not great great friends, either). I think Stephanie was the first girl I asked out on a date, over the phone, at age 12.  Rejected!  "I'm dating someone right now" was her answer. In retrospect, I have to wonder if that was a truth, or a quick lie. Girls and women are faced with these kinds of snap-responses time and again. Its hard for guys to face rejection, and I'm sure on the other end its hard to be the Rejector. Either way, she was a nice girl.

Years later, as a recent college graduate working as Administrative Assisatnt at carl Fischer Music publishing, I was on a lunch break, walking casually on Astor Place. This super gorgeous girl my age - 22? - walks right up, into my face. "Kevin Davidson?" she inquires. I'm so blown away in my deep insecurity, to be faced with this gorgeous girl (woman), I'm dumbstruck. "Stephaie B! How have you been??" 

I cannot even recall what I replied. I'm sure I kept my composure, acting the part of someone more secure than I felt in that moment. But all I felt was a completely shattered psyche. We chatted very briefly, and my discomfort was so high that I kind of wanted to get away from her! Even tho, again, she was clearly a kind, nice person. I was just unnerved, and insecure. Off she went, since I imagine she had her own pathway to follow.  To this day i have no recollection of where she was working, living, what she was doing... etc.  

Then, in my early 50s, I stumbled upon her obituaary. Its mustive been one of those moments where I was doodling around the internet, and by happenstance my mind reached into the past, wondering about very random people I remembered from way way back. Phoebe, Simon, Stephanie... and up came Stephanie. And obituary. Died of lung cancer.  I was stunned. Horrified. Intrigued. 

She had had a life that started with film school, and ended with her designing accessories, specifically scarves and winter accoutrements. And had had a husband, two children she home schooled for a stretch, a thriving network of friends revolving around her community, a children's theater group she founded, and other interesting activities that plugged her in to Doing Things. 

She was diagnosed with lung cancer in 2015 and died in 2019.  How could Stephanie, or anyone with a good heart, be taken down by cancer? Her obit said she spent stretches as a bartender and hostess at clubs in NY, around the time she approached me on the street.  Did she smoke herself silly then, and lay the foundation for lung cancer that way? Or was it just luck of the draw, no particular reason other than renegade cells that ran through her system into her lungs?  Impossible to know. 

But there is one thing I do know: I felt utterly disturbed in trying to ease my mind, in themoments I had stumbled upon her Legacy.com obit. I wanted to turn to someone who might know her, from school. But the only other person i could turn to, schoolfriend Herbie, had himself died, in 2015. Herbie had coked, drank,smoked, and eaten himself silly, to drown his own psychoses, destroying his heart. He was obese and inactive, taking care of his mother while working the phone through the night. he was doing Debt Reconciliation for a credit company... and at age 50 continuing to drink and coke whenever possible, as if he was 21. Forever 21 sounds like a fun aspiration, but at age 50, there is just no way to keep one's body level in the face of drugs and booze and overeating... unless, I suppose, one was to routine run five miles each morning, to clean out the systme. Even then, the odds are pretty stacked against a person.  All this to say, there was no turning to Herbie, to talk about dead Stephanie! Because Dead Herbie was gone, as well! 

The worst part of losing people that are connected to us, is that they take with them the Connections. And the stories. The famliars with our pasts, and with the peoples from the past.  Somewhere in there, I'm flashing back to my own past, by msyelf, perhaps trying to figure out just who I am now. Or how I might have lived my younger life better. Not to have chased down the one that I likely had no chance with. But I suppose, if I could redo anything, it would be to not have been so insecure and easily thrown, as my younger self.  I'm not sure my current self at age 60, is all that much better. Maybe I'm better at hiding it. But, I'm wistful now, and I'm able to beat myself down for not living some aspects a little better.  Maybe there's still time.   I won't know... till I know. What am I waiting for?

The Flail of Emotions

There's so much drama there.  For her, for me. We're not at all connected on a romantic level, so some of it is even more vexing. I can't always tell which person I'm going to get when I deal with her. A large part of it can be traced and connected to the pot smoking. There's a lot of that.

And there's a deep reflection, self-absorption.

I also wanted to let you know that back when her mother and then father in quick succession died... I spent a long long time on the phone sympathizing, listening, being a good friend. I am not at all sure and in fact am sure, that were the shoe on the other foot... her position would be, I'm so sorry. Now lets move on. 

Actually thats not really fair, but thats how it kind of feels. Like, "ok you have your shit together, I need to have us focus on ME."  And of course, I fall right into such traps.  Thats MY issue—to be drawn to these types. Well, so thats how it is. 

Get There Whenever

I don't know what it is, for some reason hippie Jay has to make it a point to arrive late to everything. She even tells me she's going to be there at 7, but to expect her there at 710.  What is that all about? 

Well I will TELL you what its all about - its self absorption.  If you have to be somewhere, to meet someone(s)... be there at the appointed time.  She has a month of Sundays - in fact, a YEAR of sundays, since she hasn't worked an actual job since the 1990s.  So.. what is it that is keeping such a person back from being ON TIME??? Weird shit, far as I'm concerned. 

Oh the quirks of the human being. I'm petty for cranking on about. But certain things hit the bell- Ding! Red flag red flag... 

There's such a thing as "acceptance". I'm just never very good at it. 

What About My Facebook Posts??

What About My Facebook Posts??

 For some reason, two different friends of mine have been all up in arms, about the fact that were not getting "likes" on social media.  They posted images, they posted videos, only to find that they were getting 2 or 3 "likes".  As opposed to, 457 Likes.  Or even 85 Likes. No, they were getting a feeble anemic response, and frankly?—thats well earned.

I just have to ask them, "do YOU surf around the internet and LIKE posts from people? And what are you actually DOING that might bring others into the fold of your amazing offerings?"   Somehow these friends think they can post things, and suddenly the Worldwide Internet of Facebook will race to their page, and support their creative offerings! 

Naturally, both of these friends have a tiny tiny HUMAN circle of friends, and they are not interested in reciprocating for others what they expect FROM others.  Its so appalling, that I had to write, to vent it out.  Is anyone READING this?? Please "like"! - hahahaha

 MC and JD and the two dollars 

I stood there watching as two friends argued about whether one of them paid back the other. Two dollars. 

 Whitney's emotions are off the rails

I don't think i've ever known someone who has such a hard time dealing with their own emotions.  I mean on a level that I'm stunned. Because I feel them snapping back and forth, abruply. And it can be quite a scary thing.

 Everything Negative and Only Negative

Yeah so this lady i worked with, very vivid in her complaints and conversations.  I'll call her BPE.  She loves to be upset, and outraged, but when you point out The Positive, she skirts right around it. She's getting let go from her job, yet she has secret freelance work and will be on a severence salary for 6 months. So really she'll be making much more than she was making - a salary, and the outside work. And, they offered her a fulltime job already, at the place that its giving her frelance work. But she doesn't want THAT, no no.  I'm in the same boat, having lost my job from the same institution. 

So I am attracted to the Complaints, like a moth to a flame. And, in fact, am more fascinated, because she is a fountain of woe, a fountain of complaint and upset.  This seems to be a pretty strong attraction on my part, throughout my life. Positive and upbeat? Not as interesting.  Complaint and negativity?—I'll be right there. I hate it, and yet I love it. As Andrea always says, if its not one things, its your mother.  I learnt well from my own parent, a Comfort Zone.

When I try to pin down the details about oh you have WORK now, suddenly!-she doesn't want to talk aobut THAT. She wants to talk about how everyone screwed her over, they have no heart, she lost her job, no on else in her dept got cut...  negative negative, victim victim.  Her boss actually did call her6on her very final working day (of the long slow 60-day wind-down), to wish her well and say an official goodbye. Dotty is the name of her direct boss.  But BPE would only focus on what a horrible person Dotty was, prior to this goodbye.  

Obviously this inability to see Some Positive points to an unhinged quality, emotionally deranged and feeding on the most outraged and upset part of her core.  Even while, she's doing fine and so on.  But since i myself am drawn to that, am I any better? Clearly I enjoyed and was faascinated by this disturbed outraged passionate person.  Its kind of interesting.  What do I get, from this? Something, obviously! I can't say its just her, thriving on the negative. I have to certainly be enjohing the ride!! 

And I'll feel cheated once she gets herself all set up, and starts to scold me- for not brushing myself off and walking off my own situation!  

See how things will turn? She'll be UP, and I'll end up DOWN.  I can already see the writing on the wall: that I listened and listened, with fascination, but in reality it was all a ruse. She was just venting nonstop as a nonstop victim. But in reality, she was fine. and will be fine.  And I'll be sinking slowly into my own depression.

Ah well.  So be it.